Tag Archives: humor

Eleven Tropes I No Longer Have Time For

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photo by Tom Hilton

1. The adults keep brushing it off, but a group of boys (plus one underdeveloped female character who has 14 lines total) know better! It’s up to Our Young Heroes Who Are Mostly White to make the adults realize something’s really going on, and save the day while they’re at it! LOL, stupid adults.
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2. Because we’re SO NOT RACIST, the judge, the doctor, and the president are all Black men, but every other character is white, and those three guys have a combined total of 9 lines. But look! THE JUDGE IS BLACK. See? That’s good, right? Right?
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3. The only Black woman is Sassy Store Clerk With Two Lines who unknowingly imparts wisdom even though she is framed as uneducated and basically worthless compared to Our White Hero, yet because Our White Hero listens to her advice (despite its wacky Black vernacular! LOL!) we’re so not racist! She could be a maid, a prostitute, or maybe, if she’s lucky, an office underling! (Repeat as necessary for every other version of the Magical Person of Color, LGBTQ person, and Person With Disabilities.)
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4. Sure, she’s tough (and also sexy-deadly), but under that tough, sexy-deadly exterior is a REAL WOMAN just ACHING to mother a child. IT SECRETLY DRIVES HER. “She is human after all,” thinks Our Hero, as he watches her display the one emotion she will ever display in the entirety of the piece. “She may be a highly trained, sexy-deadly killing machine who dedicated her life to her career, but all she REALLY wants is a baby.”
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5. Black people yearn to be accepted by white people. IT IS THEIR EVERYTHING. Thanks to Our White Hero, it can happen!
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6. It’s a caper! The characters are Our Hero (white male), Crazypants (white male), The Handsome Scoundrel (white male), Toughest Guy (token Black dude), and Nerd Expert (white male). Introduced later in the film: The Girl, whose character is “boobs.” But we’re TOTALLY NOT SEXIST, because she has a skill! It’s MASTER OF DISGUISE! So she can put on revealing outfits and sneak the guys into the building by distracting the guards with boners!
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7. People with diseases are HUMAN PEOPLE who have love and maybe even sex, but die at the end so Our Hero can learn something about Life.
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8. “Just give him a chance!” This is the entire film until she relinquishes access to her vagina.
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9. He’s such a COOL DUDE that he has TWO WOMEN who are attached to his arms as decorative objects. He has SO MUCH PENIS it merits TWO saucy lady persons whose tragic brain injuries have resulted in a lack of all communication but giggling. Masculinity is measured by how many saucy lady persons attach themselves to you like jewelry for your strolls and party posing behaviors.
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10. The White Guys Plus One Black Dude are on a caper or Important Mission™! But one dude’s girlfriend keeps calling, wanting to know where he is and what’s going on! LOL! Stupid lady person! Better lie to her and say “Nothing, honey! Don’t you worry about it!” “But I hear gunfire in the back—” “EVERYTHING’S FINE!” Then his cool awesome guy friends throw that cellphone out the window! That’ll show her for not staying in her place!
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11. LOL! Fat people want love and sex! Haha, Our Hero has one ACTUALLY TALKING TO HIM right now! LOOK, SHE THINKS SHE’S PEOPLE!
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Hairdemort Drinking Game

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(Source: Getty Images)

Hairdemort* Drinking Game
 
1. “Fake news”– one shot
2. “Loser” or “Winner”– one shot
3. Discredits a federal judge– half a beer
4. Discredits a federal judge appointed by a Republican– whole beer
5. “Weak”– one shot
6. “Sad!” — one sip
7. “Bad!” — one sip
8. “Tremendous,” “Terrific,” or “YUGE”– one sip
9. Denies saying something he said on camera– one sip
10. Forces Kellyanne to deny it– half a beer
11. Forces Kellyanne AND Sean Spicer to deny it– whole beer
12. “Make America Great Again” or “MAGA”– sip
13. Insults leader of staunch American ally nation– whole beer
14. Brags about himself in a speech that was supposed to be serious– one shot
15. Whines about “the media” in a speech that was supposed to be serious– one shot
16. “Failing” — one sip
17. “Paid protesters” — half a beer
18. Lies about his popularity and/or claims negative polls are “fake”– whole beer
19. Violates the constitution– one shot
20. Violates the constitution without reading what he’s signed– two shots
21. Cancels 2020 elections and declares martial law because “terrorists”– entire bottle of bourbon while hunched behind a boxcar in the cramped, dark hold of a ship bound for anywhere else while tearing up your passport and weeping
 
* “Hairdemort” courtesy of the ever-brilliant Mollena Williams-Haas
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