Bitter Gertrude

Listen, I’m not sexist. I would totally vote for a man. I would vote for that one guy who’s not running (don’t you just LOVE him?) in a heartbeat. The mayor of our town is a man, and I voted for him. Or, I mean, I would have; I was really busy that day. I would, personally, LOVE to vote for a man. Just not THAT man.

First of all, his personality is just abrasive. Who wants to listen to that screech, screech, screech? Ugh, it’s like a nagging tirade every time he opens his mouth. Seriously, his aides should get him a secret shock collar to zap him whenever his voice starts to get screechy. It’s like he’s always yelling at us. His opponent’s passionate speeches are so much better. When she gets going, whew! She gets fiery, amirite? It’s hard to resist that kind of sincere, intense passion. You can just tell she cares by how passionate she is.

And his look, let’s face it, is just frumpy. Did you hear how much he paid for that pantsuit? He’s always wearing those ugly pantsuits. His hair is a catastrophe. Is he trying to look older or younger or what? It’s just embarrassing. He says he cares about the people, but he can’t even handle his own look. Ugh, care about the fact that we have to look at you. Imagine having to watch that for the next eight years, just getting older and frumpier.

Remember that thing he said 30 years ago? Right?! Listen, I know his opponent agreed with him at the time, but she had good reason, and then she evolved on the issue and really fought hard for it ten years later. He only came out for it and fought for it when it was politically expedient for him, like a freaking DECADE later. And we’re expected to trust him?!

I don’t trust him. There’s not an honest bone in his body. I know I was using factchecking sites like snopes and politifact to support my points for the last eight years, but now they’re clearly in his pocket because their hard research and facts don’t support my belief that he’s untrustworthy, which, come on, we ALL know is true. Have you seen that homemade youtube video??? It really shakes my faith in Pulitzer prize-winning factchecking sites. Who can you believe, right? What is he hiding, right? He’s never been indicted, but he *will* be. He could be. He should be. For something. I just feel it in my bones. He’s untrustworthy. Look at him! Listen to his screechy voice. It’s just something about him. No man gets to that level of power without some kind of cheating. I just know it.

Speaking of cheating, his wife. LOL5000! He wouldn’t be where he is without his wife’s fame, power, and influence. And she is shady af. Look at all this shit she said and did! Her behavior clearly indicates he can’t be trusted. Why did he stick by her all these years? Because he needed her for his schemes and plots to grab political power, that’s why. All his success comes from her. Would we even be talking about him if he wasn’t her husband?

He’s just so . . . aggressive, you know? Too aggressive and pushy. Always pushing his point of view. Like, UGH, it’s not all about you. You can just tell he’s power-hungry. And don’t you think it’s kind of, well, unmanly to be so aggressive all the time? So emotional. Do we really want a man like that running the country? He just seems so unsympathetic. It’s not about him being a man; it’s about him being unsympathetic, overemotional, and untrustworthy.

The only reason people vote for him is because he’s a man. What has he actually achieved? No, not the stuff about men’s rights, ugh, that doesn’t count. Of course he does stuff for men. And not the stuff about children’s health; I mean real stuff. No, those doesn’t count, either, because he didn’t support those positions from birth, and why would you trust someone who listens to his constituents and changes his point of view? No, those also don’t count, because they were compromises, not exactly what I wanted, and why would I support a politician who compromises?! Why can’t his supporters find anything good to say about him? I’m listening; I’m waiting. But they can’t. They only support him because he’s a man and they’re voting with their penises.

Listen, like I said, I would vote for a man in a heartbeat, just not THAT man. I would happily support a man if there ever was one who was flawless, pure, and perfect in every deed, word, and thought. Until that day comes– and I welcome it!!!– we’ll just have to stick to the flawed women candidates we have.