The Parents from the Preschool Across the Street from My House Are the Worst People in the Whole Entire World

That may be a slight exaggeration. BUT ONLY SLIGHT.

For some reason, the people whose children attend the preschool across the street from my house think it is perfectly acceptable to block my driveway during pick-up and drop-off. At first, we were irked but took it relatively in stride. However, after being blocked either in or out of my driveway dozens and dozens and dozens of times, I’ve reached my wit’s end, then passed my wit’s end, then reached BLINDING RAGE.

hulksmash

One thing you might not know about me is that I’ve had four surgeries on my hips and pelvis, and I have a degenerative condition in my back. Walking can be extremely painful for me. I can’t just park around the corner, as I can’t walk up the hill, even on a good day, without the pain of a thousand flaming suns.  I need access to my driveway. But of course, for the parents of this children’s center, my ability to get into my house is insignificant compared to the CRUCIAL IMPORTANCE of them saving the 17 seconds it takes to drive one house down and around the corner, where there is always ample parking.

We’ve tried discussing it with the school director (repeatedly). We’ve tried talking nicely to parents. We’ve tried talking sternly to parents. We’ve tried yelling angrily at parents. We’ve tried calling the police to ticket the offending vehicles. We’ve contemplated taking sledgehammers to cars and/or laying down caltrops. (I still have not ruled these last two out.)

When confronted, they hand me one of two reactions:

EXCUSES. “It’s the very first time I’ve ever done this!” (Evidently 400 kids go to that one preschool.) “I was only there for a second!” (I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes waiting for you to get your ass out of the school, into your vehicle, and out of my life.)

BELLIGERENCE. “Fuck you, lady!” “Who do you think you are? I can park where I want!” or my absolute favorite, delivered to me by a man whose size and height dwarfs my own, “GET OUT OF THE CAR AND SAY THAT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.” It takes a special kind of horrible man to physically threaten a mom in front of her own house while blocking her driveway, but it takes epic balls to do so while you’re driving a car with personalized plates, doesn’t it, Mr. Calhoun?

excellent

I’ve finally taken to blocking my own damn driveway, which prevents them from blocking me IN, but I do have to leave the house occasionally, and if I return during drop off or pick up hours, it’s almost a certainty my driveway will be blocked by one of these fine, fine citizens.

So this is my latest solution:

Every time I leave the house, I put up one of these signs. So far, it’s working! I’m SO glad, too, because I’m not entirely sure caltrops are legal.

drivewaysign.rancor

drivewaysign.cthulhu

drivewaysign.takei

drivewaysign.barf

drivewaysign.dex

drivewaysign.picard

drivewaysign.tardis

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7 thoughts on “The Parents from the Preschool Across the Street from My House Are the Worst People in the Whole Entire World

  1. Christi says:

    These signs are creative and fantastically awesome. Nice work! You are totally winning this battle.

  2. Bill Stanton says:

    Would that wit, patience and creativity were rewarded by results in this world. Alas.

  3. Bickleton Wigglesworth III says:

    you are much nicer than i.
    if it was me, i’d start with just blocking my drive with orange cones or something but if that didn’t work and i imagine it wouldn’t always work. i’d move on to those big bright “you are parked illegally” stickers that they put on the drivers side window (or windshield if you’re really dickish) that never really peel off and takes 30 minutes and half a bottle of goo-gone to remove.

    but yeah, the signs are awesome. good luck with that.

  4. JoAna says:

    I feel your pain. I have lived in SF in Cole Valley for 30 years and people block my driveway all the time despite a tow away sign on the garage door. I have gotten exactly the same kind of idiotic responses about “only 5 minutes” when it has been way over that. My favorites include: “I didn’t realize it was a driveway.”(What you missed the big door, large enough for a car?). “It was raining and I didn’t want to get wet.” “The sign says 2 hour parking”, pointing to the street sign warning that you must have a sticker or parking is limited to 2 hours, which is on the pole on the LEGAL parking place to the right of the my driveway. “It isn’t painted red.” “I wasn’t really blocking it – you could have gotten in/out.” I could go on and have thought about creating a stand up routine about this…. I have gotten to the blinding rage part as well – I have missed appointments that I had to pay for, had to take a taxi to get my haircut, etc. I too have been cursed at….So now I call to have them ticketed and towed and feel absolutely no remorse for doing so….

  5. wtschafer says:

    How’s your insurance?

  6. Lori says:

    Love your signs. I get similar excuses from people going to the farmers market on our block. I just shake my head.

  7. My heart goes out to you. Plus you are hilarious. In general, people picking up their kids at school are not only the worst people in the world, beforehand, but the most dangerous drivers, right after they get their own kids. Aaauuughhh.

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